How to Survive a Slasher Movie

26 Oct

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It’s a dark, rainy night and an axe-wielding, physically deformed psychopathic killer with a penchant for hockey masks and mechanic suits is on the loose.  He’s returned home to seek retribution and punish the wrongs of the past.

Alone in your home in front of the TV, anxiety, fear and a growing sense of panic begin to creep into your mind.  But you must keep your wits about you if you are to survive the next 24 hours.  Yes, if you can make it through the night, your chances of being the last person standing, are pretty darn good.

You think back to this very blog post and are immediately calm in the belief that you know exactly how to survive.  You make a mental note to buy the writer of this blog a drink the next time your paths cross, and then you brace yourself for an evening of gratuitous gore, blood, violence and the odd bone chilling, high-pitched, slasher movie scream.

The following slasher movie survival tips have been distilled from the cinematic genius that brought us Halloween 1 through 10, Friday the 13th Parts 1 through 12, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream and Black Christmas, and dare I say, they might one day save your life.

Slasher Movie Survival Tips:

  1. Avoid small towns, abandoned buildings, farms, islands, cottages in the woods, or anywhere mobile phone reception is weak.  This is where you and your friends are most likely to run into a psychopathic killer, waiting to exact his revenge.
  2. Psychopathic killers are often poorly dressed, have super-human strength and are mute. If you should observe such an individual, do not attempt to engage in conversation; he will not talk back.  Do not make fun of his outfit; he doesn’t care what he looks like.  He only cares about killing people and when it comes to people, you’ll do just as well as any other warm body.
  3. Don’t waste your time calling the police.  They won’t believe you and they won’t arrive in time to save you anyway.  Grab a big kitchen knife; you’re going to need it.
  4. If you hear a noise, don’t walk down the hallway, asking in a loud voice “who’s there?” and don’t even think about going to your basement.  This is a classic psychopathic killer move that will not end well for you.  Grab the aforementioned kitchen knife and make him come to you.
  5. Not that there’s much you can do about it, but try not to be pretty and dumb.  This is a bad combination in the world of slasher movies.  Pretty and dumb are almost always the first to go, and you have even worse odds if you’re a pretty dumb cheer leader.  Psychopaths love to kill cheer leaders.  But then again, who wouldn’t!?
  6. Don’t assume the killer is dead after you stab him in the head or shoot him in the heart.  Even though he’s fallen down, bleeding profusely and stops breathing, he will – without a doubt – get back up the moment you turn away.  This is an annoying, yet unavoidable eventuality in any slasher movie.  Be ready to kill him a second time.
  7. Don’t try to reason with a psychopath.  Psychopathy is a personality disorder that results in a diminished capacity for empathy, remorse and poor behavioural control.  Your tears and pleading are like flashing lights above your head that read – Hi, my name is Chelsea, I’m a cheer leader and I’m your next victim.
  8. If you do happen to find yourself in the woods, or on a farm in the country, you should avoid indulging in pre-marital sex, illicit drugs or fun activities of any kind.  This is especially true if you are a young, popular high school student.  If this describes you, odds are you’re definitely going to get it.  Sorry.

Despite this advice, there is sadly only one person who manages to survive most slasher movies. This person is usually attractive, smart and female.  Referred to as the ‘final girl’, she’s usually aware of the killer early on in the movie, while he friends are off having fun, oblivious to the danger that lurks.  The final girl is also usually the most innocent of the group and does not indulge in any of the aforementioned high-risk yet fun activities that lead to her friends’ untimely demise.  In short, the final girl gets to live, but it would seem to me that she needs to live a little.

Did you hear that?  Sounds like someone just opened your back door.  You got this.

One Response to “How to Survive a Slasher Movie”

  1. Carrie October 27, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

    Love it Kath!! . . . . . . your writing is pretty darn awesome!!

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