How to Survive a Slasher Movie

26 Oct

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It’s a dark, rainy night and an axe-wielding, physically deformed psychopathic killer with a penchant for hockey masks and mechanic suits is on the loose.  He’s returned home to seek retribution and punish the wrongs of the past.

Alone in your home in front of the TV, anxiety, fear and a growing sense of panic begin to creep into your mind.  But you must keep your wits about you if you are to survive the next 24 hours.  Yes, if you can make it through the night, your chances of being the last person standing, are pretty darn good.

You think back to this very blog post and are immediately calm in the belief that you know exactly how to survive.  You make a mental note to buy the writer of this blog a drink the next time your paths cross, and then you brace yourself for an evening of gratuitous gore, blood, violence and the odd bone chilling, high-pitched, slasher movie scream.

The following slasher movie survival tips have been distilled from the cinematic genius that brought us Halloween 1 through 10, Friday the 13th Parts 1 through 12, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream and Black Christmas, and dare I say, they might one day save your life.

Slasher Movie Survival Tips:

  1. Avoid small towns, abandoned buildings, farms, islands, cottages in the woods, or anywhere mobile phone reception is weak.  This is where you and your friends are most likely to run into a psychopathic killer, waiting to exact his revenge.
  2. Psychopathic killers are often poorly dressed, have super-human strength and are mute. If you should observe such an individual, do not attempt to engage in conversation; he will not talk back.  Do not make fun of his outfit; he doesn’t care what he looks like.  He only cares about killing people and when it comes to people, you’ll do just as well as any other warm body.
  3. Don’t waste your time calling the police.  They won’t believe you and they won’t arrive in time to save you anyway.  Grab a big kitchen knife; you’re going to need it.
  4. If you hear a noise, don’t walk down the hallway, asking in a loud voice “who’s there?” and don’t even think about going to your basement.  This is a classic psychopathic killer move that will not end well for you.  Grab the aforementioned kitchen knife and make him come to you.
  5. Not that there’s much you can do about it, but try not to be pretty and dumb.  This is a bad combination in the world of slasher movies.  Pretty and dumb are almost always the first to go, and you have even worse odds if you’re a pretty dumb cheer leader.  Psychopaths love to kill cheer leaders.  But then again, who wouldn’t!?
  6. Don’t assume the killer is dead after you stab him in the head or shoot him in the heart.  Even though he’s fallen down, bleeding profusely and stops breathing, he will – without a doubt – get back up the moment you turn away.  This is an annoying, yet unavoidable eventuality in any slasher movie.  Be ready to kill him a second time.
  7. Don’t try to reason with a psychopath.  Psychopathy is a personality disorder that results in a diminished capacity for empathy, remorse and poor behavioural control.  Your tears and pleading are like flashing lights above your head that read – Hi, my name is Chelsea, I’m a cheer leader and I’m your next victim.
  8. If you do happen to find yourself in the woods, or on a farm in the country, you should avoid indulging in pre-marital sex, illicit drugs or fun activities of any kind.  This is especially true if you are a young, popular high school student.  If this describes you, odds are you’re definitely going to get it.  Sorry.

Despite this advice, there is sadly only one person who manages to survive most slasher movies. This person is usually attractive, smart and female.  Referred to as the ‘final girl’, she’s usually aware of the killer early on in the movie, while he friends are off having fun, oblivious to the danger that lurks.  The final girl is also usually the most innocent of the group and does not indulge in any of the aforementioned high-risk yet fun activities that lead to her friends’ untimely demise.  In short, the final girl gets to live, but it would seem to me that she needs to live a little.

Did you hear that?  Sounds like someone just opened your back door.  You got this.


27 Sep

And what should I write about today?  So much is going on in the world.  There’s Syria, but where to start?  There’s BlackBerry’s dilemma and uncertain future.  Or if I’m really desperate I could add to the conspiracy theories that surround the food industry, prompted by an article I just read called ‘Foods you can eat after the expiration date.’  Nah.

I pondered and trolled my previous blog notes. I dug deep in my soul.  And what I found surprised, nay shocked me.  I hate social media.

There, I’ve said it.  Social media, like internet discussion forums, wikis, social networks, the most popular of which is Facebook, picture sharing, video sharing, crowd sourcing, Second Life, YouTube, Twitter, any interaction online where you create, share and exchange information in communities and networks, makes me cringe.  I am not blind to the irony that this very blog, a social media outlet, is included within my sphere of distaste.  Who cares what I have to say?

If truth be told, I reminisce and long for the days where the world was closed for business at 5:00pm.  I remember a time where we didn’t tag each other in pictures before we posted them for our “friends” to view and comment on.  I’ve romanticized a past where kids played outside for real, instead of playing outside, on their phones.

Why must we share our deepest feelings with complete strangers online?  Why do we need people we knew years ago in high school to tell us we’re still ‘lookin’ good’ on Facebook? And why do we feel the need to talk in hashtag?  Are we so self-centred and self-absorbed that social outlets make us feel more important?

The most obnoxious of social media phenomenon is the hashtag.   A form of meta-data tagging, the hashtag is used to trend and attract more people to a discussion or a site.  And sadly, the hashtag has become part of our vernacular.  For example – #Imnotcoolanymore, read, “Hash tag, I’m not cool anymore.”

Comedians Jimmy Falon and Justin Timberlake share this on the use of hashtags in our every day speech.  Do you know people who talk like this?  #Ido #theyannoyme

#Hashtag with Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake

Before blogs, we had to read the newspaper to know anyone’s opinion on anything.  Before Facebook, pictures at the high school prom would thankfully dissolve and deteriorate into obscurity.  Before Twitter, stupid people would just share their opinions with a small group of their dumb friends.

I guess what I’m getting at is…#Imissthosedays.

What We Can Learn From Country Music

16 Aug

If you’re not a country music fan, you might wonder what you could possibly stand to learn from it.  After all, country music is often associated with heartache, loss and sadness, and God knows none of us need any more schooling on these subjects.  If you’re not a country music fan, you may not initially think you can relate; those country folks aren’t always portrayed as the sharpest tool in the shed.  Comedian Bob Newhart joked, “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.  And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’”

On a recent road trip to Nashville, 12 hours of driving time was enough to not only memorize all of the words to our favourite country tunes, but it was also plenty of time to develop a greater appreciation for the music, the lyrics and the voices that bring these alive.

We swooned over Hunter Hayes, who would settle for nothing less than a love that takes your breath away.

“I don’t want good, or good enough. I want can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love.”  (I Want Crazy – Hunter Hayes)

Kip Moore made us long for the kind of man who wants a lifetime with the woman he loves.

“Hey pretty girl…life’s a long a winding ride, better have the right one by your side. And happiness don’t drag its feet. Time moves faster than you think.”  (Hey Pretty Girl – Kip Moore)

And who wouldn’t want to hear, in a song nonetheless, that they are by far the better half?

“…If they want to see my soft side, my best side, I just point at you.”  (Point At You – Justin Moore)

It’s true that country music often takes liberties with the English language, and yes it often speaks of new love, broken hearts and missed opportunities, but if you can look past the “y’alls” and the “ain’ts” and the broken hearted cowboys, you’ll find lyrics that are real, respectful and actually quite touching.  And in a time where popular music is singing about being “up all night to get lucky” and lines that are blurred, insisting you want “it”, I’d rather have my life reflect a country song any day of the week.

What can we learn?

  1. To live for the moment.  (Life is not tried it is merely survived if you are standing outside the fire. – Standing Outside the Fire, Garth Brooks.)
  2. To accept nothing less than what you deserve. (Any man of mine better walk the line / Better show me a teasin’ squeezin’ pleasin’ kinda time / I need a man who knows, how the story goes / He’s gotta be a heartbeatin’ fine treatin’ / Breathtakin’ earthquakin’ kind
    Any man of mine.  –
    Any Man of Mine, Shania Twain) 
  3. To be okay with what you have. (It’s funny how it’s the little things in life that mean the most / Not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes / There’s no dollar sign on a peace of mind, this I’ve come to know. – Chicken Fried, Zac Brown Band)
  4. And don’t put up with other people’s crap.  (Well, she finally got the nerve to file for divorce / She let the law take it from there
    But Earl walked right through that restraining order / And put her in intensive care / Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atlanta
    On a red eye midnight flight / She held Wanda’s hand and they worked out a plan / And it didn’t take them long to decide
    That Earl had to die.” –
    Goodbye Earl, The Dixie Chicks)

Country music is a lot more than just songs about losing your job, your girlfriend and your dog. But admittedly, it’s possible that these sentimental lyrics set us up for a lifetime of unrealistic expectations and disappointment, just like a Disney movie. Regardless of how deeply the lyrics reflect an achievable reality, country music has a lot of teach us about how to live.

And frankly, any man that who sings lyrics like “Don’t worry about gettin’ fixed up. When you wake up you’re pretty enough” is okay in my books. Thank you country music for reminding me that life is good.

What’s Love Got To Do With It

28 Jul

Tina Turner, singer, dancer, actor and 73, married her long term 57-year old German boyfriend in a Buddhist ceremony in Switzerland this past week.

People get married every day, yet this is newsworthy and deserving of front-page real estate for two reasons. Forget for a moment that Tina Turner is a mega-super star with legs that women half her age envy (reason one we care at all about her Buddhist-Swiss nuptials.)Their marriage fascinates and intrigues because Tina’s new hubby is 16 years her junior.

Big deal!  It happens all the time.  Age is a state of mind.  Men have been marrying younger women since the beginning of time.  Yet somehow, we look at the exploits of a George Clooney in a different light than we do a Ms. Turner.  Or is it Mrs. Turner?

Curious about what I would find on the subject, I googled my way to an article called ‘Pros and Cons of Dating Older Women’.  As the title suggests, the author provides young, unsuspecting men with a list of factors that should be considered before they fall into the grips of a cougar.

Wikipedia defines a cougar as, “a slang term for a woman who seeks sexual relations with considerably younger men.”  But what term do we use for men seeking the same?  None, that I can find.

This article written by a man, for men, had the following insightful advice to share.

  1. Older women have baggage.  This may manifest itself as children, financial debt, an ex-husband, or work pressures.
  2. Dating an older woman is still a bit taboo, so be prepared for side looks and raised eyebrows.  People are going to talk.
  3. Older women like to be in control and they may try to manipulate their young partner into bending to their will.  Stay strong.
  4. With a few notches already under their belts, older women may teach you a thing or two. Wink, wink.
  5. Older women have a self-confidence not to be found in their younger selves.  They know what makes them look fat and what looks good. Yes, unfortunately this was taken verbatim.

I started to wonder, what kind of advice the wonderful World Wide Web might have for me if I found myself thinking about dating an older man.  While the advice and reviews are mixed, the themes were consistent and intriguing, ranging from cautions on always maintaining my level of maturity in his presence, how to meet and raise his children, to suggestions on helping him cope with aging and health concerns.

What’s love got to do with it, indeed?  Either way you look at it, women seem to get the raw deal here.  Date a younger man and you’ll be branded a cougar.  Date an older man and you’ll be sentenced to contend with the raising of his children and his Viagra-popping predicament.

Sigh. Perhaps in a different time, our obsession with age, our double standards and our fascination with behavior outside of the norm, will fade.  Or perhaps not.

In other news, Tina Turner, singer, dancer, actor and accomplished American icon, married her long term German boyfriend in a Buddhist ceremony in Switzerland this past week.  The bride wore black.


The Eye of the Beholder

18 Jul

Beau-ti-ful /ˈbyo͞otəfəl/


  1. Pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically
  2. Of a very high standard; excellent

Recently I learned of a fad that has hit Japan where young, hip Japanese are having large amounts of saline injected into their foreheads to create a temporary bagel-like shape. Again, to be clear, 300-400cc of saline is injected into the forehead to create a bagel-like impression protruding from the frontal lobe.   This has become so popular that home bagel-head parties are popping up across the country. So long Tupperware parties!


I’ll admit that my initial reaction to this went something like…”What the f#@k?”  Following which I realized that at some point – not sure when exactly – I’ve crossed the chasm of cool-ness to the land of old and judgmental.

I know.  Throughout history humans have always come up with or followed aesthetic trends and fads that let us differentiate ourselves from a group, or belong to a group, or just make us feel interesting and cool.  A personal case in point:  the belly button ring that I got along with four of my girlfriends when I was 21, much to my father’s disappointment.

Whether it’s the clothes we wear, the make-up we apply (yes, men and women) or through something more permanent like tattoos, piercing or cosmetic surgery, humans have always devised unique and sometimes disturbing ways of ornamenting our bodies.  And why do we do this?  In lieu of any other reasonable suggestion, I think it’s because we believe these things make us more attractive.

  • If you were a woman in 8th Century China you could expect that your feet would be broken and then bound to signal your wealth and social standing; if you have money, who needs mobility?
  • Man or woman, the Romans loved a good nose-job, or surgery on anything that appeared “flawed” for that matter.
  • In the 1800s woman’s corsets – usually ordered two-sizes too small – were laced-up to slim the waste, resulting in bruises, broken ribs and crowding of internal organs.
  • In certain African cultures, women have been known to wear neck rings to elongate the neck, which is seen as more attractive.
  • There was a time where men wore hose and powdered wigs (Please let’s never see this one return.)

Women and men all over the world are nip and tucking, so really, what’s a little saline in the forehead compared to filler in your lips or a spacers in your ear lobes.  Maybe bagel-heads are the modern day Romans?  Perhaps that’s a stretch, pardon the pun.

Regardless, the lens of what is beautiful really is in the eye of the beholder and so, I’ve decided to reserve judgment on the bagel-head phenomenon. And my father can rest easy knowing that the only bagels his daughter will ever consume are of the high-carb doughy variety.

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